It been 365 days and I still really miss you. Ive been trying to write this for a couple days now. Trying to figure out what all I want to say, and how I feel about you not being here anymore.
Really, Im just so sad your gone. I know your in a better place, and that hanging out in Heaven is probably a heck of a lot better than what my dreams can even imagine but really I wish you would’ve stayed.
I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt when you left. Valerie had so many questions that night she slept over. I didn’t know how to answer them. But with a broken smile and brave face, I told her the only thing I knew and thats that everyone would be taken care of. Neither of us knew what that looked like or what that really meant, but we tried to be content in knowing things would be fine.
Nathan, Mikey and I played slap jack probably over 50 times that day, as we waited for you to wake up. Mikey didn’t win a single game, but he was a little fighter. When we took a break, I was overcome with emotion and tried to control the water in my eyes. I will never forget Nathan grabbing my hand and squeezing it just for a second before releasing. Then smiled and said “We are okay.” He looked just like you.
I wish you could’ve seen the waiting room and how many people showed up on your behalf. God listened to so many prayers about you that weekend. Maybe that’s what convinced him that you were too good for Earth.
But still, I dont get why He called you up early. You were supposed to have more time.
We even joked about the surgery. How you were going to be part pig and how awesome you thought it was. It was supposed to be easy so when Dad came into my room and said you weren’t waking up…I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was paralyzed with fear, and sadness and life seemed too short to comprehend.
I had no time to process or think, because nothing was set in stone and God’s will was so unclear at the time. And we sat in that waiting room for what seemed like years, wishing, and hoping, and crying and praying that miracles would happen, and that you could be you again.
But they didn’t.
And you left.
And you missed Easter, and my 21st birthday, and Thanksgiving and my college graduation. And you should have been there.
I wish you could’ve been there.
Because sugar would have been dyed pink again, and that house would’ve never felt that hollow. You would’ve bought me what would become my favorite drink and you would’ve lectured me about how I should be careful with alcohol. You would’ve fried the turkey to perfection like always. And you would’ve showed up to my party with my favorite cannolis in hand.
Man, if you could be here. If you could see me now.
I hope you would be proud.
I just miss you, Jimmy.